


Berwald Oxenstierna and the Road Trip From Hell

by winwinnie



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Denmark is a douche, Funny, Hhahahahahhah, M/M, Road Trip, poor sweden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-10-02 08:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winwinnie/pseuds/winwinnie
Summary: There's not much worse than being proven wrong, and the sentence 'It was a normal day' was asking for something unusual to happen.  Fortunately, the sentence in question was not one you'd often see outside of being the start of bad fanfiction, so it was highly unlikely that a sensible man like Berwald Oxenstierna would ever say it, and since this story focuses on him, there is no point on starting with that dreaded sentence."It was a normal day." Said Alfred F Jones, an american on a completely different continent to the unfortunate Berwald."Well what did you expect?" Asked the american's twin, the much more sensible Matthew Williams. He received a glare in response, and there the two sat for the rest of the day while nothing happened.At the exact moment Alfred said the cursed words, on a completely different continent, a Danish man with enough hair gel in his hair to keep an Italian from running away climbed into Berwald's car and ordered him to drive.





	1. Introduction

The cashier was smiling in a way Berwald would have thought impossible this early in the morning. Then he was assaulted by the scent of coffee and noticed that cashier's eye was twitching alarmingly. The lady in front of Berwald in the queue hadn't noticed the fact that the person packing her bags was probably on multiple types of drugs and smacked her chewing gum loudly.

"Do you sell magazines here?" She asked, leaning on the counter and fluttering her eyelashes.

"Miss, this is a food store." The teen had replied, taking a step backwards. The lady didn't get the message and leaned in more than Berwald had thought possible, practically straddling the counter.

Neither of them spoke and Berwald silently prayed that she would just leave already. But she didn't. The lady and cashier seemed to be engaged in some sort of staring contest that involved lots of hair flicks and the teen's eye twitch steadily becoming worse. Maybe it was some kind of mating ritual, Berwald thought.

Finally, the lady gave one huge hair flick and stormed out, ending the silent battle but leaving her shopping behind and unpaid for. The cashier sighed, before glancing to Berwald standing in the queue and promptly fainted.

\-------

After explaining to the manager that he had simply looked at the man (although it took several eyewitness accounts and a reel of security footage to get him to believe it) it was a much more reasonable time to be out of bed and the shop was almost full. Berwald had finally escaped the store a whole two hours after he had arrived. The manager had offered to pay for his purchases to apologise for the confusion. Berwald accepted, but it would have been more useful if he had been buying more than a loaf of bread.

He approached his car, a blue mini, and sighed. Due to being a lowly college student, the small vehicle had been the only one even remotely near what he could afford. He had lived off of pop tarts for about two months afterwards, but it had definitely been worth it.

To get around before, he'd had to borrow his roommates boyfriend's car. It wasn't like he had anything against Feliks, but the pink monstrosity he owned was slightly too much (not to mention the fact that he'd found glitter in his hair for days afterwards). Berwald, quite frankly, didn't know how Toris survived dating Feliks.

He shut the car door quietly and sighed. It was only 8:00 and he'd already started the day off in a pretty crap way. He was just about to turn on the radio to see what they were playing (somewhere deep in his heart he knew that the chances of Abba being played were almost nonexistent, but he wasn't quite willing to give up just yet) when the game passenger seat door opened and someone sat next to him.

Berwald looked up. To his horror, sitting next to him was a mound of pure hair gel in a human shape. At least, that was what it smelt like.

In reality, the man's vertical mess of hair was the cause for the stench, and the man himself was just staring at him and grinning creepily. Berwald was relieved for a second that a mutant hair gel creature hadn't just climbed into his car until he remembered that the man was probably a serial killer, and started to panic all over again.

"Hi!" Said the potential mass murderer. Berwald only stared in reply. The man closed the car door and stuck out his hand. Berwald stared some more. The man raised an eyebrow. Berwald stared even more.

"I'm Mathias!" Said the stranger.

"G't out 'f my c'r." Said Berwald.

The stranger raised his other eyebrow, probably hoping he looked cool when in actual fact he now looked mildly surprised. Then he smirked.

"No."

Berwald didn't know what to say. Why, just why did this have to happen to him? What possible divine entity had he managed to piss off? In a moment of panic, he nodded and started the car.

The strang- Mathias looked genuinely surprised at this for a second before fist pumping. "Take me to the border, baby!"

This... This was probably the worst day in Berwald's entire life. Worse than when he'd had to bail Toris and Feliks out of jail because Feliks had apparently stolen some sort of pink handbag. Worse than when the said pink handbag was later found underneath Berwald's mattress and he'd had to explain to the police that, no, it wasn't his. 

With a final sigh of exasperation, he drove off, quite possibly leaving his last threads of sanity behind.


	2. Chapter 1

Mathias was annoying. There was no other way to put it. They had only been on the road for half an hour yet he'd already gone through every radio station at least once, played 'I spy' on his own (Berwald refused to take part), tried to communicate with other drivers by breathing on the window and wiping messages, tapped his fingers continuously on the dashboard, and was quite possibly in the middle of going through every icebreaker in existence.

"What's your favourite colour?"

Berwald didn't reply. He hadn't spoken a word since their conversation at the beginning of the trip and refused to start answering to what was quickly becoming an interrogation.

"Have you ever had any pets?"

Mathias was running out of ideas, and Berwald couldn't be more relived. Even the finger tapping had been more bearable than this.

"What's your opinion on pineapples?"

"Wh't?"

Maybe it was the absurd nature of the question. Maybe he was finally caught off guard by the randomness. Either way, Berwald had replied, and Mathias looked insanely happy for someone who had just been replied too with one word.

"I knew you could talk!"

"We h'd a conv'rsat'n h'lf an hour 'go"

"Oh yeah..." Mathias looked disappointed for around half a second before beaming again' "So what is it?"

"Wh't?"

"What's your opinion on pineapples?"

Berwald just stared at him. That had been an actual question? "Th'y're 'lright I supp'se."

Mathias grinned. "And what do you think abo-" His voice trailed off. Berwald frowned and saw the man's eyes fixed on something behind Berwald. Then they widened and his mouth dropped open before yelling, "STOP THE CAR!"

Berwald slammed on the brakes in a state of panicked confusion. What had Mathias seen? What was so important that they needed to stop right at this exact moment? And why had he actually listened to Mathias in the first place?

"Berwald...." He whispered, "I think I just saw the hottest guy in the universe!"

It was very rare for Berwald to get angry. Although he usually looked like a pissed off serial killer, inside he was a 'cinnamon roll with surprise rainbow glitter inside' to quote Feliks. However, it was at moments like this when he couldn't hold back. When Mathias opened the car door, presumably to chase after the 'man of his dreams', Berwald was not about to just let him go unharmed.

Mathias sprinted up the pavement outside, leaving his door wide open but at this point the Swede didn't care. He was right behind Mathias, savouring the look of surprise on his face when he realised Berwald was intent on murder as it quickly turned to panic.

This all took place in about 10 seconds, since both of them were fast runners and Mathias's spontaneous crush, easily recognisable due to his light blond hair (being held back with a hair clip, Berwald realised, which in itself was rather strange) was walking rather slowly.

The guy in question didn't look remotely surprised when the spiky haired man suddenly threw himself around him in a last effort to prevent Berwald from strangling him.

The guy in question looked Berwald in the eye before proceeding to start strangling Mathias himself.

"Th'nks" said Berwald.

"It was a pleasure." Said the stranger as Mathias turned a light shade of pink, "He seemed to be exactly the type of person that needs to be strangled every once in a while."

Berwald nodded in reply, before realising that Mathias was quickly becoming a shade of purple usually reserved for grapes. "M'ybe you sh'ld let h'm go."

The man seemed to contemplate this, before dropping him. He then extended his hand towards Berwald. "I'm Lukas Bondevik. Nice to meet you." The Swede took it and they shook hands, Mathias gasping on the pavement beside them.

"I assume you've got it from here?" Said Lukas. Berwald nodded again, and the violet eyed man started walking away.

"Wait!" Croaked a small voice from the floor. They both looked down to see Mathias in a pose similar to that of a starfish but with a huge grin on his face. "Fancy going to the border?"

\--------------

It was quickly turning into the worst day of Berwald's life. It had only been 45 minutes since Mathias had gotten into his car, yet now he had somehow managed to let another stranger into his car, and although Lukas was much quieter, he was also much more likely to be a serial killer.

Mathias had also started the icebreaker process from the beginning again but was getting even less of a response from their new passenger than Berwald himself. After a while, he turned around to face Berwald and sighed. "I think he hates me."

"H' doesn't h'te you," said Berwald, "You're j'st v'ry ann'ying."

Mathias pouted and slumped back in his seat. He remained quiet for about a minute, wallowing in his sorrow before becoming bored and turning on the radio.

It was playing some new pop song with no real tune, but Mathias perked up immediately and began to sing along. Badly. After about 10 seconds of off key 'Little Mix- Mathias style", Lukas couldn't take it anymore.

He reached through the gap in the chairs to turn off the radio but Mathias, with surprisingly quick reflexes grabbed his hand and blocked it. Lukas then used his other hand to try and reach from underneath only to find that Mathias had swivelled his whole body around to be facing the back and defended the controls, singing all the while. In fact, Berwald noticed, he seemed to be so off key on purpose.

Lukas brought his knee up to try and force Mathias out of the way but in doing so knocked his elbow against the volume dial. The car was filled with the sound of cheesy girl bands and Berwald was fed up. He reached for the radio, but Mathias, still struggling to keep Lukas back, had risen onto his knees and as the Norwegian lunged, his whole body toppled onto Berwald.

With one arm trapped under the Dane and temporarily blinded, Berwald lost control of the car. Using his free hand, he managed to shove Mathias off of him just in time to see the hood of the mini ram into the metal fence by the side of the road. There was a crunch. Berwald's hands tightened on the steering wheel and Lukas and Mathias slowly backed away looking rather guilty.

The song on the radio finished.


	3. Chapter 2

he car was silent. Berwald was pretty grateful that Mathias had decided to shut up for the time being, because otherwise he most definitely would have punched him. It was sort of turning into a bad habit at this point.

Feeling down? Punch Mathias.

Bad break up? Punch Mathias.

Abducted by aliens? Punch Mathias.

It was somehow turning into a twisted kind of therapy. Sadly, Berwald doubted that punching Mathias in this situation, no matter how stress relieving it was, would fix the front of his car. Lukas, however, seemed to acknowledge this fact but punched Mathias anyway.

"Ow! What was that for?" Lukas and Berwald looked at each other and then back to the mildly offended looking Dane.

" 's your fault." Muttered Berwald and Lukas nodded in agreement.

"What!" Squawked Mathias, "How is it my fault? I'd say it was Lukas!"

Unsurprisingly, Lukas looked rather offended, and snapped back at the spikey haired man. Berwald ignored them both and looked at their surroundings. They seemed to be near the entrance to a small town he'd never heard of, and considering the fact that the three cows grazing in the field to their left seemed to be the only sign of life, it was rather unsurprising.

"We need t' get a new car." Said Berwald. Lukas and Mathias stopped cat fighting and looked at him.

"That..." said Lukas, "Was a rather sudden development."

From behind him, Mathias nodded. "I agree with Berry. We still need to get to the border!"

"Well what do you want to do about it then?"

"I say we steal a car!" Mathias exclaimed. Yet again, Berwald and Lukas looked at each other, dumbfounded by the strange suggestions the danish man could come up with.

"That's illegal, Mathias." Lukas eventually decided to break the silence.

"So? I'm on the run from the law, why do you think I wanted to go to the border? Plus we passed about five police cars on the way so I'm pretty sure they know I'm with you."

"You're 'n the run from the l'w?" Echoed Berwald.

"Yeah!" Said Mathias, looking slightly confused, "What, you think that someone not on the run from the law would just climb into your car?"

"Well you never kn'w."

"What kind of cool ass neighbourhood do you live in that this is normal?"

"I've been t' prison b'fore."

"Really? Man, than is awesome! I've never actually been, the police haven't caught me yet."

"IS EVERYONE IGNORING THE FACT THAT WE ARE NOW WANTED CRIMINALS?"

Berwald and Mathias looked at Lukas in surprise. In the short amount of time that they had known him, he had barely raised his voice above a speaking level, and now here he was, flat out shouting at them.

"Calm down, Lukey! It's not that big of a deal!"

"NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?"

"Relax! We'll just take a car that has no one near it, and we'll get away with it! You can't exactly back down, so..."

Lukas looked at Berwald in a last ditch attempt to find someone who didn't think that suddenly revealing that you were a criminal was normal. He didn't find it. Berwald simply shrugged and Lukas groaned out loud. "Fine." He muttered dejectedly, "but if we're going to steal a car, at least make sure it's a nice one."

\---------------

Tino Väinämönen was dead. Well, not actually, but definitely inside, and that was more than enough. He'd managed to drop the keys to his shop right at the back of the boot of his car, and was now faced with two options.

He could either wait for his co-workers to arrive, which would take around half an hour, or climb into the boot to try and reach it from there. Neither of the two options were particularly desirable, but Tino wasn't feeling that patient today.

For starters, it was meant to be his day off. At this moment in time he should have been in bed, sleeping peacefully, but no. He'd been woken up an hour earlier by 'Jingle Bells' at a volume not acceptable at any time of day, especially not in the morning. As much as he loved Christmas songs, he couldn't really appreciate them in the middle of summer, so when he usually would have just left it to ring, he picked it up.

Mistake.

The person on the other side turned out to be Eduard, and although they got along most of the time, Tino suddenly had a strange desire to murder him when he asked if Tino could take his shift at the shop they owned.

Tino had replied with a tired mumble that was meant to say no, but Eduard had replied with "Great! Thanks again!" before hanging up, so he didn't really have much of a choice.

After walking into a total of three walls on his rushed mission to get ready and reach the shop in time for the opening time (in hindsight, the 20 minute shower had probably been a bad idea) he had somehow managed to catapult the keys into the boot, just out of reach.

With a quick look around to see if anyone was watching, Tino sighed and slowly began to crawl into the boot of his car. As he tried to reach the keys again, half in the car and half out, he wished that he had a smaller car. It wasn't even his car, it was his mom's old one that she had bought but found too 'high tech' so had pawned it off to her son, but he would sell his soul right now for a smaller one. One that would most definitely not have such a large boot.

Unfortunately for him, he still couldn't reach the keys and, cursing his short arms all the while, he climbed even further into the car. Only his feet were left dangling out the back now, and in a last ditch attempt to grab the keys, he pushed himself all the way into the car.

A couple of hours ago, if someone told him he would have been able to fit in the boot of his car he would have laughed it off. But here he was. What he hadn't realised was that the momentum of pushing himself forward had tipped him off balance. He toppled forwards into the cramped space, and finally, his hand fell upon the keys.

There was a small click in the silence. To steady himself, he must have pushed one of the buttons but he had no clue which one. Could he have locked the car? No, that would be stupid since the diver door was still wide open. It wasn't until he heard another click from behind him that he realised what he had done.

Panicking, he tried to grab the keys with his fingertips, but only succeeded in pushing them onto the floor of the back seats. Out of his reach. With a shuddering breath, he slowly turned around to face what the button had done. Except he couldn't. His foot met a solid barrier where the exit had been.

The button had closed the boot door.

With him still inside.

\----------------

Why they had sent Mathias off to steal the car, Berwald didn't know. Surely Lukas would have been a better choice, but once Mathias had his mind set on something, they quickly discovered that there was no stopping him.

Besides, if Mathias managed to get himself arrested, then at least they wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

What Berwald wasn't expecting was Mathias to turn up five minutes after he had left in a new car.

"I found a car! It was just on the street with the driver door open and the keys on the backseat floor! And there was no owner in sight! How cool is that?"


	4. Chapter 3

He didn't ask too many questions about the car. Partly because him and Lukas were both relieved to be done with the whole 'breaking the law' thing, and partly because he really didn't want to know. Mathias' description of how he'd 'Just found it! Honest!' didn't seem believable in any way, but then again, it was Mathias.

And so, after Lukas finally managed to persuade Mathias that it was not a good idea to let him drive (persuade might have been the wrong word- it had been more of both of them trying to pull him out of the car forcefully until an ice cream van went past and distracted him), they were back on the road.

There was silence for roughly 7 seconds.

"I'm bored." Said Mathias.

Lukas glared at him. "We haven't even been in the car for 30 seconds yet, you can't be bored."

Mathias pouted. "You banished me to the backseat! You don't get a say in wether I'm bored or not."

Berwald rolled his eyes and ignored the two of them. He honestly couldn't see what Mathias had seen in Lukas, and had even less of an idea to why Lukas had decided to come with them. Hell, he didn't even know why he was still in this car. He should have jumped out of the car at least twelve times by now.

Even so, as he looked at the blonds in the car with him, he could see how they could work as a couple. An extremely dysfunctional one, sure, but still a couple. He could see the way that Mathias would keep on trying to get the Norwegian to talk to him, and the way that Lukas' face would look annoyed but his eyes would be soft.

Huh. Berwald had never realised he was that good at reading people. Maybe when he got back to his apartment he could replace Feliks as 'The Flat's Official Love Consultant of Happiness and Long Lasting Relationships'. Or not. The Polish man seemed way to attached to his self proclaimed title, considering he didn't even officially live there.

"Berry?"

Berwald looked up to see both Lukas and Mathias staring at him. "You were spacing out, Ber! We tried to get your attention at least fifty times!"

"We said your name twice." Corrected Lukas. Mathias blew a raspberry at him and Lukas wrinkled his nose in retaliation. Berwald sighed. He was honestly stuck in a car with two five year olds.

"Wh't do you w'nt."

"I'm hungry." Came Mathias' reply.

"Well wh't d' you want m' t' do 'bout it."

Mathias frowned, "I hadn't that far ahead yet."

Lukas rolled his eyes, "Well what were you expecting him to do, pull a sandwich out of his ass?"

"Eew! No! That's gross, Lukey!"

As the two of them began to bicker again, Berwald slowly lost hope in the world. Couldn't he have at least three minutes without the two of them fighting over something or another?   
Apparently not.

Mathias, argument quickly forgotten, leaned over and pushed his face into Berwald's. Their eyes met, and Berwald slowly moved away but the Dane kept their cheeks pressed together.

"Hey," He whispered, his breath soft against Berwald's ear. Berwald recoiled even further, but he couldn't escape the blond's grip. "There's a petrol station that we could pull over into."

With a huge grin, he pulled away and went back to trying to smother Lukas with hugs rather unsuccessfully. Berwald shuddered. He didn't particularly like physical contact, especially when it was unnecessary and came from people called 'Mathias'. But still, the Dane had a point. Whoever had owned the car before hadn't kept it high on fuel, so it would have only been around forty minutes before they would have had to stop anyway. Plus, it would shut Mathias up for a little bit longer.

"There!" Yelled the spiky haired man, pointing to a small garage by the side of the relatively deserted road. Acting on reflexes he never knew he had, Berwald jerked the steering wheel and sent the car sharply into the car park connecting to the petrol station that Mathias had pointed out.

The car screeched sideways, and Berwald could have sworn that it lifted up on one side. The tyres screamed in protest, and the car lurched back into all four wheels. Mathias whooped in the backseat and leapt out of the door.

Berwald's hands didn't loosen from around the steering wheel. Lukas' pale face was a sickly shade of green. Mathias poked his head back in. "Are you coming or not?" He asked. Lukas groaned.

"I think I'm going to go to the loo." He mumbled, before running off, hand presses over his mouth.

"What about you, Berry?" Even at the 90 degree angle Mathias had poked his head in from, his hair was the exact same shape, somehow defying gravity.

"Don't call m' that." Said Berwald, and Mathias grinned in response, before sprinting towards the petrol station at full speed. Berwald almost didn't follow him, just to see the look of betrayal on his face, but ultimately decided that Mathias unattended could cause a lot of damage, and since he seemed to be the most responsible person there, he would probably end up dealing with it.

As he entered the small shop by where they would later have to refuel, he was hit by the stench of caffeine, reminding him of the shop he'd been in before meeting Mathias. If only he could go back in time and told his past self to just give up on the loaf of bread.

Mathias was in the corner of the shop, obviously engrossed in something that Berwald couldn't see. Then he suddenly looked up and sprinted off to the other side of the store. Confused, Berwald turned his head to see what Mathias had been so intent on running towards, only to see Lukas struggling to fight him off.

From this distance Berwald couldn't hear fully what they were stalking about, but he caught a few words, featuring heavily on 'hair gel', 'restraining order' and 'pineapples'.

Mathias seemed to be trying to hug Lukas at the same time, but the Norwegian was surprisingly strong, and had managed to untangle the Dane's arms from around his shoulders. Unfortunately, Mathias was somehow still clinging on (he reminded Berwald of a limpet with bad hair at this point) but his arms were now around Lukas' waist.

"Hey Berwald," said Lukas, moving into hearing range, "I'm going to fill up the car with petrol." Berwald nodded in response, and the Norwegian left the shop, Mathias still attached to his waist, and due to their height difference, being dragged behind him (still mumbling about pineapples, Berwald noticed. What was with that man and his fascination with the fruit?).  
As the door closed behind them, he noticed the cashier, a forty-something lady with bleached blonde hair and a lit cigarette dangling from her fingers, glaring at him. "Are ya gonna buy anythin' or not." She grumbled.

Berwald nodded in response, and picked up the two nearest things to him before heading towards the till. The cashier raised an eyebrow as she scanned his purchases. "That'll be four fifty." She drawled, and he hurriedly handed over the money, not wanting to stay in the dimly lit shop any longer. When she finally handed him his change, he grabbed the two items and left as quickly as he could.

As the door to the shop closed behind him, he looked down at the two items in his hands. And groaned. Somehow, the two things he'd managed to buy were a pack of sanitary towels and a scented candle. Putting the towels very firmly out of sight (he did not want to think about them), he checked the candle to see if it was a good scent.

It was 'open window'. What was that even supposed to smell like? Whoever made those candles were obviously running out of ideas. He sighed, mourning the loss of his money, and made his way over to the car.

Lukas was fiddling with the radio absentmindedly, and Mathias was leaning on the rear doors. He quickly noticed Berwald's purchases and laughed. "What did you buy them for?"

Berwald glared at the Dane, "It doesn't m'tter."

From the front, Lukas called out "Just stick them in the boot before they realise we haven't payed for the petrol." Berwald made his was to the back of the car and sighed. What a waste of money. None of them even used sanitary towels! He opened the boot and stopped.

In there was a small man, curled up into a ball and looking rather confused. "Why do you have sanitary towels?" He asked.


	5. Chapter 4

The man was cute. Sure, the fact that he was in the boot of the car they'd stolen was slightly off putting, but he was still cute enough to make Berwald's mouth dry up and his brain incapable of thinking anything but 'wow'.

The man very slowly climbed into out of the boot and stretched, yawning slightly, before raising an eyebrow at Berwald. "So, why do you have sanitary towels?" Berwald looked down to see that, yes, he was still holding his rather useless purchases.

"Umm..." said Berwald, and internally cursed himself for being so awkward. Why, just why, couldn't he be socially acceptable for just a few minutes? The man was beginning to look slightly worried, and Berwald really didn't know what to do. Why was it under these circumstances that they had to meet? He had to do something before the man was started to think that he was dumb, but what?

He gave to scented candle to him.

"What's this?" Said the man suspiciously, peering at the gift cautiously.

"F'r you." Mumbled Berwald, looking the man straight in the eyes to avoid any further embarrassment,

"It's l-lovely," Stammered the man, meeting Berwald's gaze and squeaking slightly, "Open w-window! My favourite scent!" Berwald narrowed his eyes slightly and the man gulped.

"Wh't's yer name." Asked Berwald hopefully, completely missing the fact that the man standing opposite him was completely terrified.

"T-Tino!" Said the man quickly, not anticipating that in his rush to answer his voice had become rather loud. So loud, in fact, that Mathias had heard.

A pair of blue eyes emerged from the back seat. "Wha's going on? What's a Tino?" He asked, his hair sticking in opposite directions which meant, combined with the fact they could only see the top of his face, meant he looked strangely like a startled rabbit.

"M-me! I'm a Tino- I mean I'm Tino!" The blond replied quickly.

"Well go away." Mumbled Mathias into the seat, before starting to disappear back down into wherever he had come from.

Tino spluttered indignantly for a few sections before yelling "Wait!" The tip of hair that was all that remained of Mathias paused in its descent. It then rose again, and eventually the eyes reappeared, squinting suspiciously. Tino took a huge breath before- "This is my car!" He yelled, "I want it back!"

"Well too bad," said Mathias, still looking like a rabbit (although at this point Berwald thought that the description of a meerkat would have suited him more), "We stole this car fair and square." After that final statement, he stuck his tongue out at the shell shocked man before disappearing into the car for good.

Tino turned to Berwald, his adorable face full of panic. "What should I do? This car is my only way home! Please, you've got to help me!" And just like that, Berwald died.

His heart had simply melted into pieces. He had the sudden urge to grab a pillow and scream into it while his heart was about to burst, yet at the same time he wanted to make presents for the cute man in front of him. He wanted to marry this man, raise a family of precisely seven sons and fifteen daughters, and grow old together. He didn't even care that they were two guys- Tino would be his wife. But for now, he just needed to get him to stay with them. "Why don't you come with us?"

Tino immediately looked happier, "Really? Is that okay?" His eyes lit up, and Berwald internally made a shrine praising this moment. Externally, he nodded. Tino grinned, but still looked slightly worried.

"What's wr'ng?" Asked Berwald. From now on, anything Tino asked for, he would provide. Even if it involved jumping off a cliff. Berwald would happily jump off a cliff for Tino.

"W-well I don't want to sit by the man with the hair gel..." He stammered. Berwald nodded in understanding, quickly throwing the sanitary towels in the boot and slamming the door closed before walking over towards the passenger door.

"L'kas," He said, opening the passenger door and being promptly greeted by what was becoming the Norwegian's signature raised eyebrow. "Y' need t' g-"

"Get in the backseat?" He asked in a bored voice. Berwald nodded, moving out of the way so that Lukas could climb out. Tino smiled gratuitously at him, but Lukas's face didn't show any emotion. The Finn looked towards Berwald for confirmation that it was alright, but he only gestured towards the now vacated seat. As Tino climbed in, Berwald walked around to the other side of the car and sat down in the driver seat.

"What's he doing here?" Said the Dane loudly, looking at Tino in distaste.

"Yeah b't now y' get t' sit by Luk's." Pointed out Berwald as the Norwegian in question sat gracefully next to Mathias. He immediately stopped pouting and grinned at the bored looking man before getting smacked around the head.

Tino looked vaguely concerned at the two men who were now engaged in some type of hug/chokehold. "Ign're th'm." He muttered, but Tino's worried face didn't change. Berwald sighed, he couldn't have his wife worrying about idiots like Mathias and Lukas. "Y' can choose th' mus'c if y' like." He eventually said, gesturing to the radio.

"Really?" Said Tino, his concern disappearing instantly. Berwald nodded, and the Finn grinned happily. "Well, it is my car, so my favourite CD is still inside!" He looked doubtful for a moment, "Are you sure it's okay?" He said, glancing behind him to where Mathias was now sulking over Lukas' rejection of him, and Lukas was inspecting his nails. Berwald nodded, before pulling out of the car park and back onto the main road.

Tino nodded back, before pressing the play button. There was a faint click and hum of electricity as the CD player started to read the disc. There was silence for a few seconds, before a scream filled the car. Internally Berwald had a heart attack, before realising that the noise had come from the CD player. Sitting next to him, Tino bobbed along happily to the sound. It was only when a screeching guitar and heavy drum beat were added to the mix that he realised that Tino was playing heavy metal.

Tino.

Heavy metal.

In the back, Mathias had his hands clasped over his ears, probably morning the days when he could sing along to Little Mix. Lukas, however, seemed completely unaffected by the music, instead reading a thick leather bound book that looked like it came from Satan's abyss. Tino grinned at Berwald from the passenger seat, clearly enjoying the music (if you could call it that).

Well.

This was going to be an interesting ride.

\----------------

They'd been in the car for an hour before Tino had lit the scented candle. It was a good idea in theory; the music was too loud for them to open the windows and the car was starting to smell. The candle- conveniently the 'Open Window' scent- had been lit with the last of the matches Tino had kept in his glove box.

It had all gone well until they'd had to look for tissues. They'd eventually opened a real window since the smell had gotten slightly too strong, and after turning the music off it had been fine. However, Lukas had neglected to tell them about his hay fever. The tissues were located inside the glove box as well, but this time much further in and underneath several heavy car manuals.

Tino had attempted to reach them with one hand, since his other was preoccupied with holding the lit candle, but was unsuccessful. The road was too busy for them to pull over onto, due to it being what seemed to be a high street, and Berwald had both hands on the steering wheel, attempting to navigate around the maze of parked cars. They'd both been preoccupied, and Tino didn't notice which one of the passengers in the back he'd handed the candle over to as he freed his hands.

Until the scent of burning hair filled the car.

Now they were sitting outside of some sort of public zoo, with Mathias' hair being considerably shorter on the left side of his head. It reality, he'd only lost about an inch of hair, but by the way he was acting about it, you would have thought he'd gone bald.

"It's your fault for wearing so much hair gel." Muttered Lukas after a while, earning a death glare from Mathias. "Really, you were asking for i-" he starter, only to be interrupted by a silver haired man- no, teenager, crash into him.

"Watch where you're going." Said the teen, scowling. As he spoke, he crossed his arms over his chest, not casually, but almost as hid he was clutching something to his chest. There was silence. The kid obviously took it as a sign that the adults had been stunned into shock. He went to leave, but Mathias grabbed his arm, hair misery forgotten.

"Dude..." He breathed, "Do you have a third arm or something? Because your chest is definitely not moving naturally."

The boys already pale face drained of colour. "It's nothing." He muttered defensively, "I'm fi-" 

As if awoken by his words, a puffin poked his head out of the boy’s shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i write these on my phone and don't proof read them hahahahah


	6. Chapter 5

There was silence. Well, not complete silence since the cars passing by had no respect for dramatic moments, but there was mostly silence. Everyone was looking at the puffin. The puffin looked back. If Berwald hadn't known better, he would have thought that the puffin looked pretty pissed off at being discovered. Except it was a puffin. So, you know, it didn't really have expressions.

Everyone watched as the bird struggled out of the silver haired boy's jumper and perched on his head, pruning its feathers. Then it stopped, pausing in its beauty session and turning its head, almost as if it was inspecting the gathering of humans around it. Berwald almost missed what happened next, the bird was moving so fast, but he managed to turn his head quick enough to see the puffin cannonball towards Mathias.

Mathias' eyes widened and he tried to turn away, but he was too late. The ball of feathers hit him dead on, claws outstretched. The Dane helplessly tried to pull it off his face to no avail, and the puffin continued to attack him, pushing him over. Mathias blindly stumbled towards Lukas, one hand outstretched.

Lukas raised an eyebrow, "Go find someone else to save you."

Mathias sank to his knees, "Betrayal! Traitor!" He cried out through the flurry of feathers, before lying on the pavement. The puffin looked satisfied with its work, and flew back to the silver haired boy's head.

"So..." Asked Tino cautiously, looking at Mathias' still body, "No offence but... Where did you get a puffin from?"

"Nowhere." The boy replied, scowling.

Lukas nudged Mathias with the tip of his shoe, "Well, considering we're standing outside a zoo and the security lights have been flashing for at least two minutes now, I'd say you stole it."

Mathias jumped up off the floor, looking suddenly (and worryingly) happier by learning that they were standing in front of a criminal. "Wanna come with us?" He said, a huge grin on his face.

The boy looked like he was about to laugh, "Why would I do that?"

Berwald sighed. He really didn't have time for this, either the boy was going to come with them or not. "The zoo w'rkers h've been look' ng 't us f'r a while now. I think the p'lice 're on their w'y."

The boy's already pale skin drained of its remaining colour. He looked behind him quickly, as if to check that there wasn't a policeman standing behind him at that very moment, before muttering "And what if I don't come with you?"

"Then we report you to the police!" Said Mathias, putting his hands on his hips proudly.

"There are so many flaws in that pl-" Started Lukas, only to be stopped by Mathias pressing his finger to his lips.

"Hush, traitor." Whispered Mathias, before turning back to the silver haired boy, "So what is it? Join the Nordic Squad or prison?"

"Nordic Squad?" Asked Tino, and was ignored.

"I'll come..." Said the boy dejectedly.

""Great!" Grinned the Dane, fist pumping happily, "But we're gonna need your name!"

The boy sighed, probably going through every possible escape route that he could possibly think of that meant he wouldn't have to go with a bunch of strangers, before accepting his fate. "My name's Emil Steilsson."

\-------------------------

With every passing moment, Berwald became increasingly thankful for Tino's presence. With Mathias, Lukas and Emil in the back, the car trip had only become louder, especially since Lukas had claimed Emil as his little brother half an hour ago.

Though it was probably just coincidence, they did look alike, and Berwald could believe that they shared a parent if he hadn't met them before (or if they were in one of the many cliché novels that Feliks left around his apartment). In real life, the chances of them being related was as likely as the two men that had been in the car beside them, the one with a strange curl cussing at the Spanish one in Italian, marrying each other.

Although, now Berwald thought about it, he might have seen the shine of a ring on their fingers...

But none of that really mattered. The Swede had more pressing things to think about, like how to make Tino his wife. And how to stop Lukas from murdering Mathias. But Tino would always take priority, especially against the idiots in the back of the car. The background noise faded away, as Berwald created the perfect proposal in his mind.

They would be in a field, the sunny blue sky stretching out behind them. A lake would glisten by their side, and flowers would bloom by their feet. A picnic rug would be there, a small hamper of food in the middle. Their friends would know about it all, and make sure everything was perfect, holding their breaths and Mathi- No. Mathias would not be there. Neither would Lukas, Berwald reasoned, because by now Mathias had probably stuck a tracking device on him, so that he always knew where his 'soulmate' was, and there was no way Mathias would ruin his big moment. Emil... Emil could come. His puffin had attacked Mathias, after all, and so far the Icelander had done nothing to annoy him.

Tino would blush as Berwald got into one knee, asking the question slowly, his heart beating wildly in his chest. A small tear would appear in Tino's eye, as his grinned and said "Right! I'll turn the radio on!"

What? That wasn't right! Berwald shook himself out of his fantasy world to see Tino fiddling with the buttons on the radio. Lukas and Mathias had stopped fighting long enough to watch the Finn try and get a decent signal. Emil, however, had headphones on and didn't react at all. The sound of static crackles through the speakers as Tino tried to find a music channel to no avail. The only station available seemed to be a news broadcast.

"Th'ts fine." Said Berwald eventually, after they'd been through all the stations at least twice again.

"Really?" Asked Tino, "Isn't it a bit... boring?"

"It'll do." Said Berwald. Mathias rolled his eyes and went back to pestering Lukas, Tino went back to staring out of the window, and Emil didn't move. He probably hadn't heard anything the whole time. Berwald sat back into his seat, half listening to the sports results that a rather overenthusiastic American was presenting.

Berwald never had been that interested in sports, so when the presenter switched over to a Canadian with a much quieter voice than the first guy, he started to listen properly to what he was saying.

"-ound a car on the side of the road, now known to be connected with the recent case of Mathias Køhler." Berwald felt his heart plummet. He quickly turned up the radio so that everyone in the car could hear it properly. Mathias started to protest, but was quickly silenced by Berwald's glare.

"The car's owner had been identified as Berwald Oxenstierna." Continued the news reader, "Both of the men's pictures can be found on our website. If you see either of them, you are advised to call the police immediately. Now, back to Alfre-" Tino turned the radio off, hand shaking, and Berwald noticed that even Emil had taken his headphones off.

"What are we going to do?" Asked Tino, his face full of worry, "Uh... You guys are criminals right? Can't you just shoot anyone that sees you?"

"Woah Tino! We're not murderers!" Exclaimed Mathias. Berwald blinked a few times. In all honesty, he would have expected their answers to be the other way around, but whatever. Even if Tino was willing to kill people, he was still adorable.

Lukas rolled his eyes, "This is a local radio station right? So no one is actually going to look at their website. As long as we stay off main roads, we should be fine." He had a point. As much as everyone could listen to the radio, hardly anyone would care enough to look out for two 20-year old men.

"You aren't from this area, are you." Said Emil, finally contributing to the conversation. When no one confirmed his guess, he continued, "Just because if you were, you'd know that we've been heading towards Dirstuyna Bridge for the last 20 minutes."

"Wh'ts so bad 'bout a bridge?" Asked Berwald, tightening his grip around the steering wheel.

Emil turned his head to look out of the window, "Well, since they get a lot of smugglers around here, they have a list of people to look for. We're going to look pretty suspicious with five people in a car, and if they check us, they're going to recognise you."

Strangely enough, Mathias smiled, immediately making Berwald uneasy. He obviously had an idea, and by the way he was eyeing up Berwald, he knew he wasn't going to like it. "That's not a problem!" He said, his eyes glinting mischievously, "They know us as guys, right? So we'll just dress up as girls!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Top five phone autocorrects for 'Tino':  
> Gino  
> Tiny  
> Tuna  
> Toni  
> Tina


	7. Chapter 6

Berwald could not think of a single reason why the idea was a sensible one. Yet he also couldn't find any flaws. Apart from the utter absurdity of the plan, he knew that it was definitely possible, and if they pulled it off well, it would work. But there was no way in hell that he was ever going to dress up as a woman. It was a horrible idea.

"I think that's a great idea!" Said Tino.

It was a great idea.

Mathias grinned happily, "See! I come up with the best ideas! Take that, Lu-Lu!"

Lukas turned round in his seat to look Mathias in the eye. "Do not," He hissed, "Ever call me that again."

Mathias put his hand up to his forehead in a mock salute, "Got it!" Lukas narrowed his eyes, and began to turn away, but just as he was back in his original position, Mathias muttered something that sounded a lot like "Lu-Lu." He probably would have said more, but his mouth was suddenly blocked by Lukas's fist. "Hey!" Said Mathias, pouting, "If I'm going to look like a lady, I can't exactly go 'round with a split lip!"

Lukas rolled his eyes, "If you're going to need a new face. How do you exactly plan on passing as one? If you hadn't noticed, we don't exactly have any female clothes here."

Tino looked over his shoulder and smiled at them, "Well, then we'll just go to a fancy dress shop!" As he spoke, he waved a credit card around, "We've got plenty of money, and they're bound to have wigs and stuff there!" But even as he spoke, he came across a flaw in the plan and his face fell slightly, "The only problem is that we don't know where a fancy dress shop is... But Emil! You're from here! You know where we could find one, right!"

Emil looked up, slightly startled at having been included in the conversation so suddenly. He shrugged. "Not really. I don't go outside much."

"Except to steal puffins!" Added Mathias, "Although in hindsight, why were you stealing a puffin?"

Emil' face turned red, "That's none of your business!" He said defensively, glancing behind him towards the boot, where the puffin was sleeping.

Berwald turned a corner in the car and tuned them all out. He'd seen a few signs advertising what seemed to be a rather obscure row of shops. As they drove down the small high street, Berwald kept an eye out for any shops that might sell woman's clothes and wigs. There only appeared to be three open shops on the whole row, two next to each other and one slightly further away. Abandoned buildings lined the rest of the street, and Berwald slowed down, allowing them to read the signs.

The two shops next to each other appeared to be a small supermarket and a locally owned coffee shop. Both had graffiti plastered over the windows, and the only signs of life were the lights from within. The other open shop declared itself as 'Wang's' lit up with neon letters. Tino sighed, and Berwald stopped the car outside the building.

"Well," said Mathias finally, after they'd stared at the shop for a little while, "We won't know what they're selling until we go inside." There was a mumble of agreement from everyone else, and Mathias grinned, "It can't be that bad! What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Th'y could b' mass m'rderers." Said Berwald, but the Dane had already climbed out of the car and was skipping towards the shop, "Though in yer c'se maybe th't wouldn't b' so b'd." Lukas glared at him from the back.

"Hey." He said, "I'm the only one that's allowed to insult him." They looked each other in the eye for a few seconds, before Lukas glances back towards where Mathias was waving wildly (presumably to try and get their attention but looking more like a demented squirrel) and exiting the car as well. Emil had also left during their staring contest, leaving only him and Tino in the car.

Maybe this was it. His chance to leave with his wife and never look back. He sat back, taking in his wife's face and enjoying the silence. "Uh, Berwald?" Asked Tino nervously, "Are you okay? You've been looking at my face for a while now..."

"Yer cute." Said Berwald suddenly, before cursing his outwardness. He hadn't meant to say that! It had just... slipped out. He'd never been that good at social interaction, and this was no exception.

Tino' face flushed pink and he looked down, "No one's ever told me that before," he mumbled, "Do you really think that?"

Berwald frowned, "Of course I d'. Yer adorable." Tino's eyes lit up and the Swede suddenly realised how close they were. He could feel the smaller man's breath on his face, the sweet scent of vanilla and mint drifting near him. His heart sped up as they slowly drew even closer, and he started to panic.  
When had he last brushed his teeth?

His nervousness must have shown on his face, because Tino laughed, a sweet tinkle like a wind chime in the breeze. "I think you're pretty adorable too." The Finn whispered, and they drew even closer. Berwald's eyes fluttered shut, he could feel Tino's warm breath ghosting over his own lips, so close and then- THUMP

They jumped apart, Berwald's eyes opening and looking round wildly until he found the source of the noise. Mathias' face was pressed up on the window, skin pale from the pressure. He seemed to be unaware of the moment he had just intruded on and was motioning wildly for them to (well, as well as Berwald could understand the man's flailing arms) 'hurry the hell up and get out of the car'.

Tino looked sadly at Berwald, perhaps mourning the moment that had passed between them, before getting out of the car. Berwald quickly followed, passing Mathias, who was trying to unstick his hair from the windscreen, and pushing him down even further.

Lukas and Emil had congregated outside the door to the shop, neither of them probably wanting to be the first one inside. Or, in a more likely case, they were waiting for Mathias to enter, so that if the ship really did have a mass murderer in it, he would be the first one to die.

It was just as Berwald was about to step through the entrance that a bored sounding voice came from inside. "Are you gonna come in or what? You've been standing out there for like two minutes now."

The five of them exchanged glances, before they all piled into the shop and were greeted by... a bored Chinese boy with eyebrows that could rival Arthur Kirkland's. And a lot of clothes. Which was probably more useful for their plan involving cross dressing, but those eyebrows were really thick.

It was sort of intimidating.

"'Sup." Said the boy, raising a peace sign and somehow making even that movement seem tired. "Welcome to Wang's. The bathroom is now out of commission thanks to a certain Yong Soo, so if you're in for that, you're gonna be disappointed."

"Actually, we were wondering if you would have anything to make these two look like girls." Said Tino, gesturing to Mathias and Berwald.

The boy gained an evil glint in his eyes. "Sure," he said lazily, "But it'll cost you."

"We have money, if that's what you mean." Said Tino, taking his credit card out of his pocket.

The boy waved his hand dismissively, "I'm not interested in that. I want his number." He pointed out a finger, and Berwald followed it slowly. It let to Emil. The Icelander's face slowly went crimson as he drew his phone out of his pocket and wordlessly went over to the boy to copy the numbers onto a sheet of paper. The boy winked, and Emil's face went another shade darker.

Lukas clenched his fists, "If you hurt my brother I'll-"

The boy waved his hand again, "Relax. You said you wanted to look like girls right? I'll call Mei, she'll be able to do that in a jiffy." He proceeded to press a button and check his watch. There was a tense silence, before an Asian girl with flowers in her hair and a pink dress rushed into the room.

At seeing the five of them, she turned to the boy. "Leon!" She said, "That's the emergency button! You know you shouldn't press it! Honestly, Yao should have left you back in Hong Kong."  
Leon raised an eyebrow and checked his watch, "You took 38 seconds to get here. That's eight seconds to long."

Mei glared at him, "Emergency, Leon."

He raised his hands in mock surrender, "Okay, jeez. Besides, it is an emergency." The girl gave him a cynical stare, "The two masculine ones need to look like girls."

Mei gasped, "That is an emergency. We're gonna need Lien and Cheng to get some of the larger dresses and fetch me the makeup. If you can get Kiku to measure them, that would be great." She glanced back at them, "In fact, get Yong Soo as well."

"You must be desperate." Remarked Leon.

"We're gonna need all the help we can get. Tell him to get some blonde wigs."

"What about me and Yao?"

"You can stay on cashier duty." As Leon started to protest, she held up a finger, "You should have thought of that before you set off those fireworks in Yao's bedroom. Besides, you can warn us that way if he comes back from the shops. I'm pretty sure he won't approve of this."

Leon nodded grumpily, and Mei grabbed both Berwald and Mathias by their arms, a glint in her eye.

The next fifteen minutes were a blur of tape measures, dresses and shoes. He'd been passed from one member of the store to another, and he was pretty sure that one of them had even tried to grab his chest in a less than innocent way. But soon enough, he found himself in front of Tino and a mirror, with a tall girl wearing a blue dress and with flowers in her hair staring back at him. Somehow, they'd actually made him look like a girl. Next to him, Mathias was hooting with laughter, trying to hit Lukas with a foam axe he'd got from god-knows-where.

After the Dane had accidentally almost decapitated Mei, they found themselves being ushered from the shop on what seemed to be the Wang's 'Code Red', AKA 'Yao is coming'.

A Chinese man pushed passed them as they exited, his arms ladened with full shopping bags and his ponytail swaying with his every step.

Most of the Wang's had scattered, except for Leon, and even he looked on edge. Berwald could just about catch the start of their conversation. "Were those customers?" Said ponytail guy, who Berwald assumed was Yao.

"Uh-huh." Said Leon.

"And they bought stuff?"

"Yep."

"And how much did they pay you?"

"..."

"Answer me, Li Xiao."

"...Nothing."

"Nothing? You gave it to them for free?"

"Well, not exactly. I made them give me the cute one's number."

"LI XIAO WANG. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU IN HONG KONG YOU LITT-"

Berwald climbed into the car and started to drive away quickly. Just in case the crazy Chinese man decided to come after them. There was silence in the car, everyone in shock from the crazy family they had witnessed.

That was, until Mathias spoke.

"What do you think my name would be if I was a girl?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason this takes two weeks for a chapter is because I do nothing for 13 days and write the whole thing on the last one.


	8. Chapter 7

"Mathia?"

"That's just your name without an ’s’. You've got to be more inventive than that."

"Madeline?"

"That would make you sound Canadian."

"Matiese?"

"If you want to sound like a kind of dog."

"Matilda?"

There was a pause.

"Maybe."

Mathias grinned, obviously happy at having given a suitable name to Lukas. He nudged Berwald with his arm, "Well, at least finding a name for you was easy. Isn't that right, Berwaldita?"

'Don't call m' th't." Said Berwald, as Tino covered his giggle with his hand.

Mathias pouted, looking slightly put down at Berwald's rejection, "What would you rather? Berwaldina? That's only really a one letter difference!" Berwald glared at him, and Mathias shrank back down into his seat. "I was only asking, Berwaldonia."

Tino giggled again, Emil turned his head to stop laughing and even the edge of Lukas' mouth quirked upwards. Mathias crossed his arms, looking way too proud of himself for coming up with the name. Berwald ignored them. If Tino hadn't found it funny, he probably would have turned around and punched the Dane in the face. As it was, he tightened his grip around the steering wheel and focused on the road in front of him. They were about 10 minutes away from the bridge at most, and Berwald had a nagging feeling in his gut that something was going to go wrong.

There was silence in the car, everyone obviously expecting Berwald to at least reply. Mathias was plainly trying to think up another nickname, and failing miserably judging by the fact that he was frowning. Either that or his already dodgy eyebrows seemed to be slowly melting into his eyes. Then there was a noise that sounded an awful lot like someone screaming and Tino blushed.

"Sorry," he said, taking a phone out of a bag that Berwald hadn't noticed before, "That's my ringtone." Sure enough, now that the phone was freed, he could hear a guitar in the background, also sounding like it was in pain (although Berwald shouldn't have really been surprised- what with the whole death metal CD). Tino glanced at the caller ID and scowled.

"Who 'a it?" Asked Berwald, fully prepared to punch whoever had offended Tino, even if he had to travel halfway across the world.

"Eduard." Muttered Tino. At everyone else's blank faces, he explained, "My co-worker. He's probably wondering why I'm not at the shop right now. Knowing him, he was probably talking to microwave thinking it was me all morning and only just realised that I wasn't there."

Mathias paled, "You've had a phone on you this whole time?"

"Yeah." Said Tino, "What's the matter with that?"

"If your friend reports you missing, the police can easily track us! And then we'll all be in trouble!"

"Really! What should I do?"

"Uh, what make is your phone? Maybe we can turn the location tracker off!"

Tino passed the phone to the back, hands shaking. There was silence, as Mathias looked at it and then- "A Nokia Brick? Tino, why do you have a Nokia Brick!?"

"I don't know!"

"How can you not know why you have a type of phone!"

"I don't know! And what about Emil! He still has his phone!"

"My phone's had location switched off this whole time. And besides, no one is going to notice I'm gone and report me missing."

"So how are we going to get rid of the phone!"

"I'd notice you were missing, little brother."

"I don't know! Maybe if you gave it to Berwald, he could smash it!"

"I'm not your little brother! I'd never met you before today!"

"Tino, it's a Nokia Brick! They're indestructible!"

"Call me big brother."

"He looks really strong! Maybe if he squeezed it, it would smash!"

Looking doubtful, Mathias passed the phone to the front. Everyone went silent as Berwald took it in one of his hands, and pressed as hard as he could into the box. Nothing happened. Not even a single crack appeared on the screen.

"I told you." Said Mathias, looking uncharacteristically pessimistic.

"Give it here!" Said Tino, "We only need to crush it right? Can I have a go?"

"S're." Said Berwald, glad to have the device taken away from him. He'd been pressing down with all of his might, but as Mathias had said, Nokia Bricks were infamous for their solidity. Tino took it happily, before squeezing slightly.

The phone crumpled like a piece of paper.

The car was yet again silent, except for Emil's whispered "What the hell." Even Lukas looked mildly concerned at the Finn's strength. Tino hadn't noticed the stares and smiled happily.

"There!" He said, winding down the window and tossing the now unrecognisable sphere outside, "That was easy! I don't know why we were making such a fuss about it!"

"That's not right..." Muttered Emil, taking his earphones out and shoving them roughly into his trouser pocket, deciding to pay attention to what was happening in the car for once and for all.

"We're h're." Said Berwald, thanking the perfect timing of them slowing down to join the queue of cars in front of the booth.

Mathias threw his arms back, "Alright! I have fully embraced my feminine side! From now on, I am Matilda, ultimate woman, protecter of LuLu, and destroyer of anything that stands in my way!" To emphasise his point, he punched the air, momentarily forgetting that he was in a car and ending up slamming his hand against the ceiling. Berwald could already see the people in the cars surrounding them looking at them suspiciously. Berwald tried to nod as a way of apologising at one of them. The driver screamed so loudly that he could hear it through both of the metal doors and Berwald was yet again reminded of his murderous looks that had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

The car inched forward, and Mathias sighed. "How much longer is it going to be until I can kick some ass?"

"There will be no ass-kicking." Said Lukas. Mathias started to protest, but the Norwegian held up a single finger to hush him, "We are going to get through this with absolutely no trouble, Mathias and if you even think ab-"

"They're opening up a new lane!" Yelled Mathias, completely ignoring him. Berwald span the steering wheel and stomped on the acceleration. They weaved around the mass of cars, ignoring the angry beeps of middle aged men with severe road rage.

They exited the main block of cars, and sped down the road. "There's someone behind us!" Gasped Tino, and sure enough, a small jeep was overtaking them, containing two portly parents and several small children in the back. As they passed by, the kids pressed their faces up against the window and stuck out their tongues.

Mathias gasped, "How could they! This is war!"

"They looked about five." Said Emil, but Tino was nodding.

"Berwald! We can't just let them get away with it!" He said, his eyes widening impossibly wide. Berwald could feel his heart crumbling into tiny pieces, as he nodded and pressed down onto the gas pedal even harder. The car jolted slightly, before surging forward and taking the lead over the jeep.

Mathias leaned over and pressed his face up against the window in retaliation, pushing up his nose and sticking his tongue out. One of the children burst into tears. The two cars raced nose to nose for a few tense seconds, before, to a cheer from Mathias and Tino, they pulled ahead. Berwald slammed on the brakes as they approached the booth, forcing the jeep behind them.

They pulled up at the booth, all feeling slightly pleased at besting the other family (no matter how much Lukas and Emil could pretend to be bored, they both had secretly cheered) only to be faced with a gun.

The man at the booth only looked about 18, with blond hair down to his chin, a choppy fringe and a deathly glare. He was also pointing a rifle at Berwald, which was a pretty major problem.

The man narrowed his eyes, before lowering his rifle, "You look suspicious. We're going to need to check your car for drugs."

Mathias gave an affronted gasp, "Excuse you?" He said, in falsetto, "Are you insulting my femininity? We're totally women, how dare you suggest otherwise!"

The man raised his rifle again, and pointed it at Mathias, "I didn't say a thing about your femininity. But if you want to be shot, then yo-"

Tino cut in nervously, "I think we can spare enough time to be checked for drugs."

"Fine," said the man after a moment of silence, presumably debating wether Mathias was in fact a real woman or not, and pointing them over into an empty car space a few meters away, "It'll only take about five minutes. I'll get my sister to do it quickly." He paused, narrowing his eyes again, "But if you lay a single finger on her..." He drew a line across his throat, before waving them on.

As they pulled into the parking bay and climbed out of the car, Berwald could immediately see the resemblance between the girl who greeted them and the man with the gun. In terms of faces, they didn't look that similar, but what really stood out was the fact that the girl had the exact same hairstyle- add a ribbon- as the man.

It was slightly creepy.

But, aside from the matching haircut, Berwald was sure that she was actually very nice (and probably not a psychopath- although he seemed to be assuming everyone was some sort of murderer now, and it was getting a bit out of hand), although she did seem a bit too young to be working with this kind of job.

"Hi!" She said, looking strangely happy for someone who had to check over three men and two 'women' for drugs, "My name's Lilli, and I'll be looking at your car, but don't worry! It'll only take around five minutes!"

"That's not what I'm worried about." Muttered Lukas.

The girl frowned, "Pardon?"

"It was nothing." Said Lukas quickly.

Lilli smiled again, "Okay! I'm going to get the dog we use to detect drugs!" For the first time, Berwald noticed the rather large greyish brown fluffy dog hiding behind her legs. "Its name is Pelze! It isn't actually mine, but the owner is on holiday at the moment and big brother is letting me do his job!" That would explain her young appearance then.

The next five minutes were tense, and even though Berwald was pretty sure that Tino didn't have any drugs in his car, he couldn't be too sure. Lilli had almost finished her search, with only the boot to go, when Berwald remembered that there was an angry puffin in there. She opened the door painfully slowly, and Berwald held his breath, expecting that at any moment a ball of angry feathers would decapitate her, but nothing happened.

Berwald sighed in relief- the puffin must have been asleep- when the dog, which had been silent the whole time, started to bark at the boot.

Tino paled, and all Berwald could think of was that he really, really hoped Tino didn't have any drugs, mainly because of the usual reasons but also because he had no chance in getting Tino to fall in love with him if they went to prison.

And what if they made him share a prison cell with Mathias?

Berwald couldn't imagine anything worse, except maybe Tino rejecting his love.

But when Lilli brought out what Pelze had been barking at, it definitely wasn't drugs. In fact, it was white, small and very fluffy.

It also lifted its head up, opened its eyes and barked.


	9. Chapter 8

If Tino hadn't declared the dog as his and threatened anyone who touched it with a painful death, they honestly might have eaten it.

It had been way too long since Berwald's last meal and the hunger had just caught up with him. And it wasn't just him. Mathias had started eyeing Emil's puffin up, and even after an in-depth conversation about what puffin would taste like, still tried to grab the bird every time Emil looked away.

And so Berwald was now in a pizza restaurant- dressed as a woman- and surrounded by multiple idiots and the cutest thing he had ever seen in his life.

And he wasn't talking about the dog.

If Berwald's brain was a dictionary and you looked up the definition of 'perfect', you'd find a picture of Tino. (On another note, if you looked up the definition of 'annoying' you'd find a picture of Mathias, although if Berwald's brain really was a dictionary, he would have burnt that page long, long ago). Tino was also the definition of TINYSMALLADORABLE until Hanatamago had turned up.

It had turned out that another one of Tino's quirks was his strange naming habits. It apparently meant flower-egg in Japanese, which was definitely a questionable name but was a lot better than his first suggestion of Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Berwald wasn't even sure that was a real word.

Unfortunately, his contemplation of whether Tino was just messing with them was cut short by the fact that he was suddenly assaulted by the strong scent of pasta. Someone was way closer to his face than he would have liked, and Berwald wasn't sure whether he should be more concerned by the fact that the man didn't seem to know about the concept of 'personal space' or the fact that even though his eyes were closed, the man could see perfectly fine.

"Ve~ Are you ready to order?"

Oh.

He was Italian.

That would explain a lot.

"I would highly recommend the pasta! I made it myself!" said the waiter, finally stepping back and giving Berwald some space.

"I'd like to try the pasta!" said Tino, breaking the awkward silence that had already been forming in the few seconds that the waiter had been waiting for a reply. The waiter grinned in response, before motioning for the rest of the table to order.

"Pasta for me as well." Lukas eventually put his menu down and ordered.

"P'sta." Muttered Berwald, still not having forgiven the Italian for his earlier intrusion on Berwald's thoughts.

"Do you guys do pizza?" asked Mathias, raising his eyebrows at the waiter. Berwald rolled his eyes. In the amount of time that they'd taken to get get to the restaurant, his definition of a feminine voice seemed to have changed substantially. He'd put an even higher voice on, and due to his already high voice, the result was a disaster.

To put it simply, he sounded like a chipmunk on helium.

"Sì!" said the waiter happily. Berwald narrowed his eyes and tried to read the name tag pinned to his chest. His appalling handwriting wasn't easy to read in the slightest, and Berwald could barely make out the name 'Feliciano' and what appeared to be a small drawing of a white blob with a face and a curl sticking out of the side of it's head. It was certainly an... interesting piece of art.

"Then I'll take that!"

"I'll have pizza too." muttered Emil, with a dark look in his eyes, "But if a piece of pineapple even looks at it, I will find out, and your death will be painful and involve fridges and those man-eating titans Leon texted me about."

Feliciano paled and made an audible gulping sound, "Uh, s-sure! I'll b-be back shortly!" He turned around so fast that Berwald though he might get whiplash, and all but sprinted back towards the kitchen.

Mathias whistled, "Wow, Emi, I didn't know you could be so violent!"

"It's good to see that you can protect yourself, little brother." grinned Lukas. Berwald was slightly taken aback by the sudden expression on the man's normally neutral face.

Emil frowned, "Don't make fun of me. I just really hate pineapple on pizza, and okay maybe the death threat was a bit much, but people never take me seriously."

To Berwald's surprise (or not, he was starting to get used to the strange personalities of the people he'd spent the past two hours with), Tino nodded in agreement with the Icelander, "Don't be ashamed, Emil, death threats are perfectly normal! If I were you, I would have made the punishment a lot more graphic."

Naturally, Mathias had to know just how graphic Tino's murder threats could be, which led to a discussion on the best way to murder someone. They only noticed that a blond man with gelled back hair was standing by their table when he coughed to get their attention.

"I have to ask you to leave." he said, a strong German accent afflicting his words.

The table was silent, taking in the news. Then Mathias spoke up.

"What? Why? We haven't done anything and we've been waiting here for at least 20 minutes for our food!"

"It's m're like f've." Said Berwald. Mathias glared at him, starting to speak again but was cut off by the German, whose name tag declared him as 'Ludwig'.

"You've scared away most of our customers, you're so loud that we've had complaints from the shops either side of us, and you threatened my boyfriend." he said, crossing his arms. Behind him, Berwald finally noticed a quivering Feliciano.

"But we're really hungry...." whined Mathias, ignoring the fact that everyone else felt awkward and had started to leave.

"We can provide you with a pizza if you leave!" squeaked Feliciano, and Mathias looked up from moping.

"Deal!" He said, holding his hand out for the Italian to shake. Feliciano ignored him, producing a pizza from seemingly nowhere and handing it to the Dane.

"This?" Said Mathias, frowning at the box and making exaggerated squinting faces. Lukas rolled his eyes and dragged Mathias from the restaurant, ignoring his protests.

Before long, they were back on the road again, in exactly the same positions they had been in ten minutes ago, only slightly hungrier and with a box of pizza.

Tino, who had somehow wrestled the box out of Mathias's grip, opened the lid slightly.

And froze.

"Wh'ts wrong?" Asked Berwald, glancing towards Tino's panicking face. Tino only gulped and showed the pizza to the occupants of the car.

There was an enraged scream and the pineapple pizza flew out of the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is two weeks late and 500 words shorther then usual. Two words sum up why.
> 
> K-Pop hell


	10. Chapter 9

The building that they'd parked in front of loomed threateningly over them, but Berwald felt a strange homesickness. He felt like he belonged with the building, even the colours pulling him in.

It was at times like this that Berwald was thankful for Felik's Disney obsession that he had enforced on the apartment, because if there was a line from a song that completely described how he felt, it would be 'It calls me' from Moana.

Except that instead of a teenage princess, he was a 21 year old 6''2 man.

And in his case, the ocean was a pretty run down looking Ikea.

He honestly could have thought about the Ikea for hours, but was interrupted from his silent appreciation by Mathias' obnoxious voice.

"I hate Ikea."

Berwald's head whipped round and his narrowed eyes focused on the Dane, who hadn't realised the imminent danger he was in.

"What did you just say." Berwald's voice was lower than usual, and his usual accent had completely disappeared. The atmosphere in the car immediately plummeted, and even Lukas looked slightly nervous.

Mathias finally noticed Berwald's eyes on him, and flinched. "Uhh, that's slightly creepy. It was just an offhand comment."

Tino winced, repeating "offhand comment" quietly. In the back, Lukas and Emil looked like they were starting to prepare Mathias' funeral.

" _Never_ insult Ikea." His voice was monotonous, but it had the desired effect. Mathias gulped, and nodded soundlessly. Berwald gave one final glare, before exiting the car and slamming the door. He immediately headed towards the entrance without waiting for the others to catch up.

"Hey!" called Tino from behind him, "Don't leave me!" Hearing his voice, Berwald paused, glancing behind him and allowing Tino to catch up. After a short break to allow the Finn to get his breath back, they walked through the double doors together and were greeted by a beautiful sight.

Ikea.

Even though they were only in the entrance, the walls were already crammed with various useless items, their Swedish names seeming strangely familiar to Berwald. To their left was a huge map of the floors, although it was dusty and covered in finger marks. But right beside the bedding, Berwald could see in huge letters 'FOOD COURT'. They were saved from starvation.

Sure, it was by Ikea food (and even Berwald would admit that that was sometimes rather dodgy) but that was better than nothing.

Tino frowned at the map and wiped away some of the dust, squinting at the layout, "Doesn't it look a bit.... _confusing_ to you?"

His reply was cut off by a whoop from behind him. They turned around to see a beaming Mathias sitting inside a shopping trolley, a makeshift Viking helmet made from napkins perched on his head. He was being pushed by Lukas, who was _smiling_ (Berwald didn't even know his face was capable of doing that) and had a matching helmet, although his was slightly too big and kept slipping over his eyes. Emil was following roughly three steps behind, trying desperately to look like he didn't know the two adults in front of him, but failing miserably due to the fact he was being dragged around by Lukas and also had a napkin hat on his head.

Berwald almost laughed. Something about the sight was so typical of them that it became endearing. They were, in a way, like a dysfunctional family. He may not have usually gotten on well with the others, but seeing them having fun made him feel oddly protective over them.

"It'll be f'ne." He replied, allowing a small smile onto his face as he looked down at Tino.

Tino's violet eyes widened in shock briefly, before he _grinned_. "You're right." he said, grabbing Berwald's hand and squeezing it, "It'll be fine."

\-------

It was not fine.

Berwald couldn't believe it. Somehow, the unthinkable had happened. Ikea, the company he was proud to say was from his homeland, had _betrayed_ him.

In other words, they were lost.

But even as the realisation that they might not ever leave the Ikea started to sink in, Berwald had to think of the bright side.

Somewhere between when they'd picked up a new cutlery set and when they'd found three crated of stuffed toy rats, they'd found a toilet. Berwald and Mathias had _finally_ been able to take off the dresses and wigs, although it had been quite a struggle in the small stalls.

Luckily, no one had seen them enter as women and leave as men except a tall man with spiky hair to rival Mathias's. They'd chosen that bathroom because it had seemed empty, and hadn't seen him when they'd entered. By the time they had changed it was too late. The man was sat in the corner, perched on the countertop beside the sinks, but hadn't even done a double take. He had simply blinked, before blowing out smoke from an old fashioned pipe.

Berwald had been so relieved that the man hadn't tried to call security on them that he hadn't realised that the strange smell lingering around the stalls was probably weed, and that that was why the toilets had been empty in the first place.

"I thought you said that you just had to follow the arrows." Berwald looked around to see Mathias pouting at him. "You do." Berwald replied, "I'm n't sure h'w we ev'n got l'st." Before this trip, he'd been certain that he knew how to get around in an Ikea. The instructions had seemed so simple, and yet here they were, wandering around the same six goddamn rooms.

Tino checked his watch worriedly. "It's already 8:00, and Ikea closes at 9. What if we get trapped in here?"

"We won't," replied Lukas, "The employees have been giving Mathias the death glare every time we pass. They'll be glad to see us leave." He stretched his arms out, cracking his fingers and rolling his shoulders back, "Besides, I've threatened them all for looking at Mathias that way. They won't forget us easily."

Tino frowned, "Are you sure that's a good thing? What if they kick us out before we find the food court?" "Then at least we'll have escaped." muttered Emil, who had somehow ended up with the unfortunate job of pushing the nearly full trolley. Like most poor souls who got trapped in the endless expanse of Ikea, they had been tempted off the path by the allure of cheap Swedish goods, all of which Emil was currently pushing.

"I suppose..." murmured Tino in defeat, checking his watch again anyway in case somehow the last 30 seconds had actually been 30 minutes. His forehead creased, but he pulled his sleeve over the watch with determination not to look at it anymore, yawning slightly as he did it.

"Why are you tired?" asked Lukas, raising his eyebrows slightly at Tino's apparent fatigue, "It's only 8:00, even lillebror isn't tired yet."

Emil's head whipped around to face Lukas and his eyes narrowed, "We are _not_ related."

Lukas waved a hand dismissively at the younger, "Just keep telling yourself that." Emil scowled, but didn't reply, instead pushing the trolley further in front and deciding to ignore him.

Tino rubbed his eyes slightly, before replying to Lukas, "Yeah well I've been awake since 7:45, which is _way_ too early, and I didn't even get much sleep last night." At Berwald's questioning glance, he went into more detail, "It was one of my friends birthday yesterday." he explained, "I didn't get back from the bar unti-" He stopped walking, pausing in the middle of his sentence.

"Wh't is 't?" asked Berwald, looking back at where his wife had stopped.

Tino's face was pale. "Where are we going to sleep?" he whispered, "We're definitely not going to make it to the border until tomorrow, and we can't all fit in the car. There aren't any hotels nearby, either."

Mathias suddenly appeared by Tino's side with a grin that Berwald already knew meant that he had a 'good idea'. "I know what we can do!" He paused, waiting for someone to ask 'what', only to be met with several deadpan faces and a mildly confused Tino. "We should camp!"

Forget what Berwald might have thought about any of Mathias' previous ideas, this one was definitely the worst. He would rather share a tent with a bear for a _week_ than share one with Mathias for-

unless...

Suddenly, all Berwald could think about was sharing a tent with Tino. A romantic night under the stars. They would share their first kiss in the moonlight, quiet and alone, the cool night breeze swirling around them them. It would be perfect.

"That's a great 'dea." Everyone turned to face him, shocked. Even Mathias looked surprised.

Lukas frowned, "Are you feeling okay?"

"We can stop so you can sit down, if you want." Suggested Tino, reaching up to feel Berwald's forehead for a temperature, "Do they even sell tents in Ikea?"

"Unfortunately." muttered Emil, appearing by Tino's side and making the Finn jump. "They're literally right there." he pointed towards a large shelf stacked with huge boxes.

"That's... _convenient_." said Lukas, narrowing his eyes at the boxes as if one was going to jump out and attack him, "I hadn't even noticed them until you pointed them out."

"Who cares?" Mathias had already started to pick up the closest box, and was struggling to move it to the trolley, "It _is_ awfully heavy, though."

Lukas walked over to the box and hooked his fingers underneath, in a much better strategy than wrapping his arms around it in an attempt to hug the box into the air, which is what Mathias had done. Together they managed to lift the box and set it down in the trolley. Berwald cringed slightly at the slight creak he heard as the box landed ungracefully on top of the random items they'd already put in the cart.

Emil tried to push the cart closer to to the wall but failed miserably, his feet sliding backwards. His face went bright red, either from effort or embarrassment, and he walked away, mumbling something about finding food.

Tino pushed the trolley with ease, frowning slightly. "It is rather heavy," he said, "I'm not sure that I'll be able to move two at the same time."

Mathias clapped Tino on the back, "Well luckily we won't be having another one."

"We won't?" Tino peered at the label on the cardboard box, "But... This tent only fits three people and if you hadn't noticed, there are five of us."

Mathias sighed dramatically, placing a hand on his chest and pointing at the price tag on the box, "If only we weren't lowly poor people. Besides, you, Emil and Lulu aren't exactly the largest of people."

Lukas narrowed his eyes at the Dane, "I'm only a bit shorter than you. Your hair adds an extra few inches into your height."

Mathias pouted and clutched his hair protectively, "Stop being such a hater.

" "What are we going to do about sleeping bags?" Asked Tino, peering into the cart, frown lines creasing his cute face.

"We h've those bl'nkets we p'cked up a wh'le ago." Said Berwald, gesturing to the bottom of the trolley, where he could just see the corner of an orange blanket poking out from beneath a lamp. "We can't really 'fford sleeping b'gs."

"We could always get rid of some of the useless items." Suggested Lukas, poking the side of the cart lethargically.

"Useless?" Asked Berwald, glaring at Lukas, who put his hands up in mock surrender.

Mathias grinned, taunting Berwald, "We could always get something from a superior danish store."

Berwald went to reply, but was cut off by Emil appearing by his side.

"The only superior thing here is me." Said the teen, holding out a plate of Swedish meatballs. "I managed to find the food court."

\--------

By the time they arrived at the campsite, it was 10:00. With Emil's help, they'd eventually made their way to food and had eaten happily until a tired looking employee had kicked them out. After that, it was a mess of Tino attempting to read a map that he'd found buried deep in the glove box to direct them to a suitable camp (they'd eventually given up and used google, but that was beside the point.) and just taking the box out of the boot was proving to be quite difficult.

After watching Mathias struggle for at least five minutes, Tino eventually persuaded him to let him have a go, lifting the box with ease. Mathias lay on the floor, sulking, while the rest of them crowded around the box, trying to figure out how to open it.

"I still can't believe that no one has a knife." exclaimed Tino, "I never usually travel anywhere without one, but at the last minute I decided that I wouldn't need one for work." He glared at Mathias, who raised his head forlornly.

"If only we could use Berwald's glare." said the Dane, his voice muffled by the grass.

"I suppose we could always rip it." replied Lukas, ignoring Mathias' contribution.

Tino frowned, "I could, but the box would be useless afterwards."

Emil shivered slightly, "Who cares? I'm tired and cold, just open it already." Tino nodded in agreement, placing his hands either side of the box and preparing to pull them apart.

"WAIT!" Cried the box, in a surprisingly posh British accent.

Everyone jumped. Tino slipped over, landing on the grass his mouth making a small 'o' shape. Both Lukas and Emil took a step backwards, and Mathias jumped to his feet, looking all too ready to punch the box. Berwald didn't move at all, but inside he let sour a very embarrassing high pitched scream.

There was a ripping sound, as the box started to open itself from the inside. Then a small hand appeared, taking hold of one of the flaps and ripping it off, to reveal a child of about 12 sitting in the box.

"This wasn't meant to happen!" Said the boy, crossing his arms and furrowing his worryingly large eyebrows.

Tino flapped his hands around hysterically, "Well what was meant to happen?" he asked, his voice a few pitches higher than usual.

"Jerk face Arthur was meant to come looking for me, but he was so busy fighting with Francis that he didn't even notice I was gone! Then you guys picked me up and put me in your trolley. I was too scared to move until now." Said the kid, his voice getting louder as he spoke.

"Arthur?" said Berwald. He vaguely knew a Francis through Feliks, and he'd often heard him talk about a man with huge eyebrows named Arthur. "As 'n Arthur Kirkl'nd?"

The boy frowned, "How do you know that poop head?" Berwald glanced reassuringly at Tino, whose worried flapping had progressed to his arms, "I can take him home."

Tino sighed in relief and started to say something, only to be cut off by the boy, "I don't want to go home! He didn't even notice I'd gone!" he stood up in the box to prove his point, arms crossed.

"How about we take you home in the morning." muttered Emil, looking rather fed up with the whole situation, "But now we don't have anywhere to sleep."

There was a moment of silence as that sunk in. They'd all forgotten that they had no tent in the confusion of finding a child.

"How about we sleep outside?" suggested Tino, sitting down on the grass, "It's not that cold, and the grass isn't wet at all. We can use the blankets and stay close to each other for warmth."

"Done." Said Lukas, throwing a blanket towards the boy, who caught it. He then went and sat next to Mathias, handing him a blanket as well, and patting the ground beside him, gesturing for Emil to come sit next to them. He did, looking reluctant, and soon all three of them were wrapped in their respective blankets. "Catch." he said, throwing the last blanket over to Berwald and Tino.

Tino held it up, "Only one?"

Lukas shrugged, lying down, hands behind his head, "We only bought five, so you're going to have to share." With that he turned over, and shut his eyes.

There was quiet as everyone lay down, Lukas, Emil and Mathias close together, the boy curled up in his box, and Berwald and Tino lying next to each other. Less than five minutes after they had lay down, their quiet breathing had slowed down.

Berwald stared at the stars, watching them blink at him in silence.

It felt like an eternity since he'd visited the supermarket for milk that morning. He'd met people, and although they annoyed him, he was already closer to them than he was to his parents.

And he'd met Tino.

The love of his life.

The small warrior, who never failed to surprise him.

He couldn't imagine a life without the Finn, and as the stars twinkled down at him from the ebony sky, he felt more at home in a field next to the other man than he had for a long time.

He wanted to spend his entire life with the other, and he knew that it would be hard to say goodbye to the rest of them as well.

He shifted slightly, placing his hands behind his head and sighing.

Tino turned over, eyes wide but with a small smile on his face. "Are you star watching too?"

Berwald nodded in reply, and the two of them lay there in silence for what seemed like hours. He could hear Tino's breathing next to him, and it comforted him more than he could put into words.

"I never asked how you got into this mess," Tino's voice was quiet, but the words were there, and Berwald wanted to hear everything the smaller had to say. Their eyes met each other, and Tino smiled.

"If you could take this day back and continue with your life like this never happened, would you?"

Berwald took Tino's hand in his and kissed him under the light of the stars. The world stopped for a second as they finally met, eyes closed in peace. Finally, they drew apart.

"Never in a million years."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY WOW THIS IS FINALLY FINISHED ONLY THE EPILOGUE LEFT  
> i literally lay on the floor for an hour to make myself finish this whilst listening to disney soundtracks (they're so inspiring whattt) to make myself feel productive enough to do this
> 
> (there was going to be an epilogue but i decided against it????? I think i'd just ruin it by adding more and it ends on a nice place anyway. MAYBE ONE DAY THO)


End file.
